I find myself in a spiral of worry and anxiety. I have prayed and rebuked. Read and meditated. Yet still when I awake at 3:30 a.m., I know returning to sleep will not occur. My specific worries fall into three categories. One is a situation that may become unpleasant that I have created. One situation is already unpleasant that I did not create. The additional worry is about the end of the school year and all that needs to be done in a short time.
Right now I am experiencing appetite reduction, decreased productivity, and minimal sleep. What is interesting about my current state is that the worry causes me to be less productive which gets me further behind which creates more anxiety. A vicious cycle.
Second, since I am sleeping less, my judgement suffers which means I am questioning my decisions (and making some poor decisions) which in turn increases my anxiety that results in less sleep. Another circle of despair.
I wonder if worry has become such a part of my life, I don't feel "even" unless there is something bothering me. But I don't enjoy the way I feel. Perhaps an alcoholic feels guilty each he goes on a binge, but cannot help himself. I wonder if I create situation at some subconscious level so I can have an excuse to worry.
Each day is a rush of decisions, conversations, emails, phone calls. I need to find a way to slow down, regroup, pray, commune throughout the day. Before each conversation- pray. Prior to hitting the "Send" button- pray. Unsure? Don't decide. Unclear? Get more information.
But regardless of how I change my future, my present is filled with worry, anxiety, and unease. I have to find a way to break the cycle. Am I worry junkie? An anxiety addict? I am not talking just a habit, but a true, cyclical addiction?
Question answered. Based on the details below, I am not a worry addict, but certainly a worry wort.
Characteristics of an Addiction
Addiction is a commonly used word to indicate that a person repeatedly behaves in a certain way. Certain characteristics are common:
Craving (My worry is only omnipresent at this level during certain situations, not all the time.)
Craving is a strong desire that can be virtually omnipresent. This may appear in an obsessive way, where the person thinks about the addiction almost constantly.
Compulsion (I may have a worry compulsion at times.)
The addict may feel driven to engage in the given behavior, with a desire so strong they seem unable to say 'no', even if they know that the addiction is harmful. It is perhaps the associated loss of control that makes addiction so troublesome.
Repetition (No predictable pattern.)
The addictive behavior is repeated in predictable patterns. In extreme, this is to the exclusion or reduction of many other 'normal' activities, including socializing, eating and sleeping.
Benefit
The thing to which the person is addicted has some benefit for them. This may be direct or indirect stimulation of pleasurable feelings, including euphoria, relaxation and general feelings of well-being.
Benefit many also be gained through anesthetization and numbing of unpleasant feelings, such as those experienced in depression.
Harm
Addiction often has the connotation of harm, with the notion that the addict will, sooner or later, be harmed by being addicted. This may include:
- Physiological harm, for example where brain cells are damaged.
- Psychological harm, for example where they may become depressed.
- Social harm, where they become outcasts with few friends and little social support.
A dependent person cannot do without some named thing. They have an attachment to it that may be physiological, psychological or some combination of the two.
If the dependent person is deprived of their target, then they suffer in some way, experiencing some kind of withdrawal symptoms. These can range from the 'cold turkey' fever of withdrawal from 'hard' drugs to irritability and moodiness when a child is denied access to their favorite computer game.
Withdrawal is often an opposite effect. Heroin causes euphoria, relaxation and constipation. When it is removed the person gets dysphoria, cramping and diarrhea.
Tolerance/sensitivity (I have not developed any tolerance for worry. I still get just as worked up over small things. I don't need an increased stimuli to worry at the same level.)
Some addictions result in the person becoming tolerant to the point where repeated action leads to decreasing effect.
In other addictions, the person is sensitized, such that smaller actions are required for the same effect.
But I still worry. Which is sin. Which damages my relationship with God. It is my relationship with God that can get me through worry. But if my worry damages my relationship with God, then the relationship I need to get me though worry is not as strong; therefore, I don't have the strength to fight worry.
At the end of the day, I need your prayers.
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